Thursday, October 21, 2010

She was right.

I met with one of my favorite authors today.

She told me that having nothing to lose and everything to gain when aiming for a goal is okay, but what if you acheive that goal? Then you have something to lose. Something they can take away.

The ache becomes more prominent. I came here knowing, and not caring that this trip might just kill me. After all, I had nothing to lose.

But now I do. I have someone I want to hold, and ideas unrealised. And fuck me, I want to live!

The irony isn't lost on me, I guess.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I will love you three hundred and sixty-five days a year.

Which means that every four, on a leap year, there will be one day I do not.

Which'll probably be your birthday.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

True love in Prague.

Today I walked into a bookstore in Prague. 'Big Ben Bookstore' it was called. it sold English language books. the whole time I've been here, I've been looking for an English laguage copy of Milan Kundera's 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being.'

She was pretty. I know that sounds a little shallow, but it's true. and I don't mean 'hot,' like all the girls who make themselves up to look that way.

No, this girl was pretty. And she worked in a bookstore. And she has a nice singing voice.

She was singing along to the radio quietly. I kinda like that. That kinda shy, kinda not giving a fuck about who's listening to her doing her thing. It's something I find attractive.

And then I said something stupid, and she, very wisely, said something sarcastic, and witty as a reply.

Like Henry Rollins said, I just want a girl who can sit me down, shut me up, and tell me ten things I don't already know.

Re-reading this, I realise that my skill as a writer cannont do that moment justice. And as time goes by, I just may rewrite this to better encapsulate the moment. But it was a very real moment for me. And I will love her always.

Even though I know her only as The Very Sarcastic Bookseller


I bought a book the other day. And I'm not too far into it. But I already love and fear it. I identify all too well with the characters. And I know something horrible is going to happen to them.

This book might just destroy me.

But as ever, I have hope.


I found a lump.

I mean, Jesus, as if that wasn't emasculating enough. But yeah, on my right testicle.

And who says that playing with yourself is something you should grow out of, or something that is not healthy?

But the thing is, that I found it with less than a month to go before my big Europe trip.

And this was what was keeping me going these last months.


I needed that more than I needed breath itself.

So I said nothing.

Maybe it wouldn't have interferred, but I couldn't take that risk.

And maybe it'll come to nothing, and maybe it'll mean worse than that.

But I got my Europe trip. And she's better.

And maybe God does make deals or maybe it is a coincidence. But she's better. Maybe it's only for now. God, I hope not. But maybe. And she, already, has made better use of the time than I.

If this comes to a whole lot worse than nothing, let my final words be recorded as this.

It was worth it.